Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
