I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
