her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
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