Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Farmville is her only friend.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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