It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
