they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
