you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
All the doctor said was why
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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