I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
