You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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