Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Randomize
