I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I just want nice things and good sex
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
