Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
