So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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