I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
