Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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