Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
