that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
