I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Randomize
