You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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