either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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