Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life