Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize