I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
These 21 People Are Related To Famous Celebrities
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight