Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
Randomize
