Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
