Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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