News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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