omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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