Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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