I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
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