The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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