Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
This is not my ceiling
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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