Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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