The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
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