he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
