WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Randomize
