Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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