That's when you crack a 10am beer
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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