$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Found the puke drawer
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
be right there i have to get my cape
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Randomize
