Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
check it out our google latitudes are spooning
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
Randomize
