I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
