So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
