I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
