he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
3pm strippers are depressing
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
