also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
