please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
