I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Randomize
