I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Randomize
