Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
