I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
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