my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
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