lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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