I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
