It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
