Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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