My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
