So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
