I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
