I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
